


At The End

by slasher48



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Autistic Castiel (Supernatural), Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Greyromantic Demisexual Castiel, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:09:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slasher48/pseuds/slasher48
Summary: So. It's come down to this.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	At The End

**Author's Note:**

> Notes at the end.

So. It’s come down to this.

Castiel looks around, but there’s no escape. The only door in is the one Death is banging on, and the only door out is…

Well.

He can think of one, but it’s a long moment—too long—before he can come up with some manner of a plan, to get there. To get out of here, and to get _Dean_ out of here intact.

That’s of the utmost importance. Dean has to make it out of this.

“When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal, to save him.”

He’s speaking before he fully realizes what he’s saying. Telling Dean of the deal—explaining to Dean why he’s doing, what he’s doing, though Dean doesn’t realize that yet.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

But, of course, Dean is quick on the uptake. He’s always been more clever, more insightful, more able to see a plan as it plays out, than he gives himself credit for. Castiel should know; a lot of his own insight has come from what Dean’s taught him.

“Because, the one thing I want- It’s something I know that I can’t have.”

He can see that in Dean’s face now, as he often has. In Dean’s complete and utter incomprehension; in there not being even an inkling of Dean’s _own_ want, there. It fortifies him further, to keep going and do what he has to do.

He has nothing to lose, here, and the one thing that means everything, to gain.

“It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

He’s found it—incredibly, at the end of the world, while friends are disappearing and Death is at their door. He’s found, true happiness, in the picture of Dean walking out of this room, knowing that he’s loved. Knowing, that he’s been _saved_.

“Everything you have ever done—the good and the bad. You have done for _love_.”

Look who’s talking, Castiel thinks, and he almost laughs, but what he has to say is much too significant, to be derailed by hysteria now.

“That is who you are. You’re the most _caring_ man on Earth.”

Castiel knows this to be true, even as Dean searches the air between them for something to hold on to, some… _other_ reason for Castiel to have been saying this. Even as Dean appears not to care, because he surely cares, too much. He and Dean have often had that in common.

“You’re the most selfless, _loving_ human being… I will ever know.”

Castiel’s heart starts to pound, beyond his dwindling grace, as he looks into Dean’s face and sees him swallow, hard. He wonders what Dean is forcing back; what Dean isn’t telling him, because he can see that Castiel has more to say.

“You changed me, Dean.”

It’s something that he needs Dean to know, before he goes. Even besides the next words he will speak, the words that will change things forever: he needs Dean to know, that without Dean, he would not be the same angel he is now. He would be different. Worse. Unloving and unloved.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Ah, Dean has caught up, finally, to the real and definite reason he’s saying this. He can see that, in Dean’s face, as well. Family, saying goodbye to him, leaving him bereft. It’s something that makes Dean shut down, Castiel knows, and he’s been counting on that. Counting on Dean being stunned, for just long enough.

“Because it is.”

One more thing to say, one more last declaration, before he takes his final breaths in this world. He prays that Dean will forgive him, and finds himself, selfishly, thankful, that he’ll never have to find out, if Dean does not.

“ _I love you_.”

And Dean doesn’t have the time, doesn’t have the strength, though he tries, to stop Castiel. Castiel throws him away from him, a smile on his face, and waits for the end. The Empty comes on time, of course, just as Death breaks through, and…

That’s all there is.

That’s all there ever needed to be.

Dean is safe, and Castiel is glad.

And then Castiel is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> ([For those who _don't_ have this scene memorized by now, the way I do.](https://autisticbee.tumblr.com/post/634035111262814209/michaeldean-15x18-despair))
> 
> (The love is not unrequited, Castiel just thinks it is, and this fic is about what Castiel thinks. I would never write a fic where it actually is, because it would be anathema to Dean's character, and absolutely insulting to Castiel, Dean's beloved. Even if the show decides not to let him say it, I'm saying it here and there and everywhere: Dean is 100% in love with Castiel, and has been for years. Since Season 5 at the latest.)


End file.
